My dear children. I write you this letter and let others read it because I want you and everyone to know why I have decided to do my very best to inspire and support parents and caregivers to empower their children to be healthy in all ways–mentaly, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and politically. I also am hoping that you will get a sense of how much I value you, and that this will be an encouragement to you on your journey. And, finally, I dream that our relationship will be strengthened, enriched, and enhanced by my words which I hope will be life-giving.

I have been honest with you about how I never wanted to have children. Of course I never told you that when you were young and could not understand. I did my best to hide this knowledge from you because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I wanted to want you, because my longing was to be a “good parent”. It wasn’t until about five months ago that I finally realized that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Yet somehow even though I had mixed feelings about being a parent, I managed to perform actions which strengthened our connection and empowered you to be people who I respect, admire, value, celebrate, and just plain old enjoy being with.

Up until about an hour ago, whenever I read stories about people who against all odds are successful in their endeavors, I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I am glad that I didn’t have thier particular problem For example, when I read about a girl who was murdered in the Colombine School shooting because she answered “yes” to the question, “Do you believe in God”, I am glad neither of you go to school, and that you are very much alive. Or if I read of someone who is is paralyzed, yet is doing awesome things to help people in spite of their limitations, I’m glad I can have freedom of movement to dance, walk, garden and run around.

Yet at the same time, I feel disappointed. I admire these  people who rise above horrible situation and show the beauty of the human spirit and how our Creator made us to be able to make something good out of any situation if we chose to express our inherently good nature. But they get lots of attention because of their extreme situation. I want to have the kind of influence they do, so I can share my beliefs and values and inspire people to seriously consider the possibility of trying them on for size. The reason I want people to adopt my values is because I truly believe that they will contribute to well being of people and all life. I know people who have been inspired by how I parent, and I feel great joy in offering them suggestions and helping them parent in nurturing ways.

But you see, I have a pretty dramatic story to share. Against all odds, you both have turned out to be people who are respected, loved, valued, admired, and inspired by those around you. I might doubt my ability to objectively evaluate how you have evolved if I didn’t have so many people telling me how wonderful you are and how much they appreciate you. I look forward to writing countless stories about my own and others experiences of you that lead them to appreciate and value you so much.

I’ve got to admit that I had my doubts about how you two would turn out. Chris, you had so many temper tantrums when you were little, and I wondered if you would ever have the security it took to stay with someone besides your immediate family. But you blossomed into a centered, self-confident, responsible young man.  Of course you still have your moments as we all do–but you still move through your uncomfortable feelings quickly as you did when you were a child.

Mahriyanna–I wondered if you would ever learn to enjoy helping around the house.  You seemed so resistant to learning about compassionate listening. Yet now you find great joy in service to both family and friends, and your help in doing chores is so great. You have also learned that the skill of compassionate listening is very useful at times, with both me, your papa, brother, peers and young ones you care for.

When you didn’t learn to read until you were ten, Chris, I was worried up until then that maybe I was wrong in allowing you to have that freedom to choose. But when Mary Lightheart taught you when you attended her wonderful Montessori School for a brief period, you caught on in three weeks. Soon you were reading effortlessly. Thanks for being a pioneer. When, you, Mahriyanna didn’t learn to read until ten, we were confident that you would read when it was time.

There were so many ways we raised you that were different from others. I wholeheartedly embraced all the philosophies and tools that contributed to you having health on all levels. I have yet to meet any parents that have the same combination of values and who are fully available to live in community with.  This has been sad for me, because I yearn to live in a community where such things as non-violent communication, attachment parenting, unschooling, consensual decision making, healthy eating, and authentic love for all are lived out. I deeply want this both because I want other adults to support you in your evolution, and because I need suport as well.

At this point, I feel grateful that Robert, my partner, and you both can be together at times. I celebrate the moments where we connect and participate lovingly in life together. Sharing meals–often that  you both lovingly prepare; watching movies like Mama Mia that inspire discussion about what we value; working on projects like cleaning up clutter around our place and gardening; listening to your feelings when life seems to be overwhelming; having discussions about what it truly means to follow Jesus, or why we like the Ron Paul Freedom Revolution; swimming in our lovely lake; finding win-win solutions to conflicts and countless other moments of connection are a joy to me. I thank you for the depths of my heart for being who you are.

About two years ago, Robert encouraged me to pursue certification in Non-Violent Communication. After all, I had used this process both in my own growth as a parent and partner–and in nurturing you both from birth. I half-heartedly tried to take the steps that certification took. For various reasons I gave up on certification. Reflecting on that time, I think I still did not have the confidence I needed to say, “I am a parent who has been able to help my children be healthy on all levels.

A big part of that had to do with the fact that Robert and I still had so many unresolved conflicts that spilled out into our family like a noxious poison that cast a shadow over all that we did. In spite of the fact that we could have many happy moments, I did not participate in your lives as much as I would have liked because we were so caught up in our drama. I regret that our conflicts so negatively affected you. I know that when Robert and I have tension, you yearn for more harmony and resolution. You’ve both told me that our conflicts continue to contribute to feelings of extreme discomfort.

Yet, in spite of the  ways that we failed to nurture you optimally–like being almost constantly short on money (but we never went hungry!) or me working a lot and not spending as much time as I would like with you–or all the times I tried to save the world at the expense of my own children–there have been many ways that Robert, (my present partner, father of Mahriyanna)  Cliff  (former husband, father of Chris) and I have nurtured you.  My perception is that you have turned your trials into opportunities to learn. A big reason for that is when you have felt frustrated, sad, angry and otherwise uncomfortable due to our shortcomings, we were willing to listen to your feelings, try our best to understand, and then work to find solutions.

In spite of conflicts that I have with Robert and Cliff, we have been an amazing team to help raise you in the midst of so many challenges. The biggest challenge was the fact that just about everyone had some issue with some aspect of our parenting decisions.

For example, both Robert’s and my mom worried that we were depriving you because we home schooled and unschooled you. Chris, even though I was not all that excited about you going to college, you have proved them to be wrong in their concerns. It’s not that I want people to be wrong, or me to be right. I just wanted to contribute to your well being. The fact that you studied for the SAT test for about three months, passed it, and were accepted into a four year college, University of Arkansas  was validation in itself. But then, when you went through two semesters in the top twenty percent of your class in spite of taking pretty challenging classes, you really showed that unschooling was an effective way of educating.

Many people were concerned about your schooling, Mahriyanna. The fact that your weren’t reading at age five was cause for worry. When you went all the way to ten, still not reading, even you got anxious. It was hard for you to feel that pressure from your peers and other adults–as if something was wrong w ith you. But you just had no desire to do any formal reading lessons with us. You were willing to do lessons with our dear friend Cheryl, but the time you spent with her was too limited to help you exell. We kept reassuring you that you would do the same as your brother, and reading should not be a struggle. When you really wanted to learn how to read, we got out the trusty 100 days to learn how to read (or something like that) and because the lessons were so clear and easy, even I could help you. I still remember with delight the day you said, “Mom, I’m reading and it is easy. I don’t have to try. This is so exciting!” Now, you read joyfully, effortless, and sometimes more than I enjoy!

Delight. Now that is a great word that describes how I feel when I see you both embracing life so enthusiastically, and compassionately and joyfully. Mahriyanna, when I see you pick up one of your beloved chickens and introduce me to her as if she is the most precious being in the world, I am deeply touched by how you so effortless connect with animals.

Chris, when I so often walk into your room and you are joyfully playing the bass, my heart soars  with happiness. The way you make the strings dance and sing with melodies which I am not used to hearing from your instrument amazes me. The way your fingers fly over the strings so effortlessly inspires me to feel admiration and awe for how easy you  make it look like. And when I think about how far you have come in a short three years, I feel exhiliarated and inspired.

Yes, many people worried other things. We were too permissive, and you would never help around the house or show us respect. BEcause we shose not to give you vacinations, you would die of some strange disease. Because we didn’t make you do chores, you would never learn a work ethic that would serve you. because we didn’t send you to school, you would not be socialized, and be able to get along with peers. Because we protected you so much and you weren’t in mainstream society being exposed to the challenges that are presented there, you would never be strong enough to really live in the world.  Because I nursed you both beyond our societies standards, you would be damaged emotionally. Because we didn’t send you to preschool, you would not learn to be independent.On and on. Ad nauseaum.

Yeah, I have a lot of forgiving to do–something I want to work on because I don’t want to hang on to resentment. You know that aobut me. I still have those challenges. I felt so hurt because I wanted encouragement and suport in my parenting, not critisism and judgement. I don’t know why it is that I have often an ability to discern the truth. Yes, I can get caught up in persuasive arguments about various things. But when it came to parenting you, somehow i knew what to do that would best nurture you. Sure, I made some mistakes. I sure am glad that Robert was willing to set more boundaries than I have been willing to set. And I still wonder about that time when I tried out the holding method–you had a hard time forgiving me about that, Mahriyanna.

But over all, looking back, I have few regrets about how I raised you and the sacrifices I made. I didn’t want to be a parent not only because of a decision I made in child hood that I never wanted to have kids who would treat me the way I treated my parents–but also because I kenw what  a hugre responsibility it would be. I had big dreams of being successful, famous, and saving the world. NO time for children in that plan. But once I had a child, the commitment to being the best parent I could be was so strong. As strong as was my desire to please people and belong, even stronger was the desire to embark on a grand experiment. Nurturing you in the way I instinctively and intuitive believed was correct was my top priority. The crazy thing was that I almost always had this inner battle going on. Being present with a little baby or kid was so boring and fulfilling. And being present with a little baby or kid was the best thing in the whole world to be doing.

One thing I found greatly fulfilling was to help resolve conflicts with you and your peers. I was constantly trying to find other parents to hang out with and share life with. I didn’t, and still don’t, think it is natural for a mother to be alone with her child or children. Our destiny is to be in a nurturing community.

Not the kind of community where people gossip and pressure people to conform, and where conflicts are swept under the carpet, and being nice on the surface was highly valued. Rather a place where in all ways our highest potential is encouraged, and learning how to express authentic  love is the highest priority.

I yearned to find that community from age twenty one after I married Cliff and also after my 13 month solo travel experience from Europe overland to Turkey, Afghanistan, Iran, Pakistan, India and Sri Lanka. Both my relationship with Cliff and my transforming enlightening expedition helped me to realize that community was the main way that humans can thrive. When I concieved you, Chris,  I still hadn’t realized that goal having gotten distracted by other priorities. I was deeply disappointed. We went searching for community when you were 3 and we have been basically searching  ever since because I continue to believe with all my heart that this is the way I want to live, and where we all can enjoy each other even more.

Now that we have our own land, and envision creating community where we live, I sometimes wonder if maybe our wonderful Creator saw that we needed our own space in order to, without pressure from the outside, keep going on with living out our values. We tried over and over again to attract  people to join us. I have felt disappointed, and called myself a failure in weaker moments. Yet perhaps now that we have had this precious time to heal, to connect, to learn deep lessons–we are ready to receive others into our intimacy.

Chris and Mahriyanna, I want to conclude this letter by asking for your forgiveness. Please forgive me for al the times I failed to be there for you in any way. Please forgive me for choosing to try to save the world instead of nurturing you. Please forgive me for not being able to heal my inner child, and thus continue to have conflicts with Robert that contributes to disharmony in our

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