I know. I should be telling you how great I am if you are going to be inspired by me. But I want to reassure you that much of my parenting was sheer will power, motivated by  knowing that if didn’t follow through with the parenting techniques I knew to be effective–I would lose out in the end.

The reason I am a lousy mom (and I really hate adjectives and labels–but I can use them on myself!) is because I have always had an inner battle going on. The way I am naturally made is to want to save the world. Up until about a year ago, helping my family was not all that satisfying to me. I was much more fulfilled when I was doing something like saving trees (when Mary Lightheart did her tree sit that I instigated) , or helping the Gay family (no, this was not a gay rights issue) save their orchard from the Springdale School Board; or most recently, helping with the Ron Paul revolution.

I am a natural born organizer, and when I discovered that I had some talents in political organizing back in 2000, I was sure this was what I was meant to do. I felt so much happier when adults were telling me how valuable I was when I used my communication and networking skills to help inspire a ground swell of passionate involvement by Fayetteville residents to fight the violation of their tree ordinance.  I would be on the computer for hours, and gave my three year old daughter minimal attention. No,  I didn’t abuse or neglect her–but it was hard for me to present with her when I knew I could be on the computer or at a rally. I also just enjoyed being with adults more–it was hard for me to feel fulfilled hanging out with a three year old. My ten year old son was very independent having lots of friends–so he didn’t need my attention so much. Okay, he did need my attention, but he was demanding it so I didn’t give it.

After I burned out emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I promised myself I would never throw myself into another cause again because I saw how much I lost, and how much my children lost. (I was separated from my present partner then–so he didn’t need much attention)

But when someone suggested that I help the Gay family save their orchard (knowing how I helped save a few trees), I could not resist the temptation of joining in the fray. Besides, my daughter and her father (we were now reconciled) were going on a week long trip, and my son was with his father. Yes, it was exciting, thrilling, invigorating.  When the school board meeting was packed with standing room only after I and a few other people facilitated a strategic planning meeting the night before. I had taken the bull by the horns and pulled out the stops to get as many people fired up as possible. Whe the school board refused to make a decision that night yes or no, I threatened to do a petition drive to get them to stop all efforts to get the government to force the Gays to give up their land. Do you think I felt powerful and just a bit full of myself when the day after the press conference to announce the petition drive, the Springdale School Board officially announced they were withdrawing their efforts?

But after feeling burned out and once again alienated from people) (same thing as with the tree sit, I sure was glad to return to my family and know that my children loved me unconditionally even though I preferred saving the world over spending time with them.

My last big effort I had to really justify. I sincerely had wanted to make my family top priority in my life. But when Ron Paul announced that he was running for president and there was a huge amount of interest in Fayetteville, I could not resist. After all, there was no one else to step up to the plate. I was the only one who could get people organized in Fayetteville.

I really had the greatest reason. If I didn’t get involved with the Ron Paul Revolution and fan the flames of freedom in the US and in the whole world, my children would not have a free country where they could have good lives. They accepted my reasons with grace. They even got involved to a certain extent. They loved Ron Paul and the whole freedom movement. But once again, I burned out. And I was so glad to have my family who still loved and accepted me.

It was only about three months ago in April 2009 when I got permission from my family to travel indefinitely in search of community and people to work with who were making profound changes in the world. But when my daughter shared that she felt torn about me leaving, I made a profound shift in my consciousness. She shared that on one hand, she wanted me to be happy, and wanted to let me go. But on the other hand, she felt sad because she really wanted and needed me. In spite of all my flaws, she wanted my presence  in her life.

Something about her reaching out to me made me realize that more than anything, I wanted to nurture my children. I wanted to give myself permission to let go of the burden of being responsible to save the world. I wanted to step fully into this role of being a mother, and help my children through that very challenging place of making the transition from childhood to adulthood.

And, I just plain old wanted to enjoy them because they are my favorite human beings on the planet!

I will be writing more about how I have nurtured my family and contributed greatly to my children’s health on all levels. Without my partner, Robert, and my former husband, Cliff, I believe my kids would have serious problems. I just want to encourage you with my story to reassure you that you dont’ have to be the perfect parent in order to have great kids. However, I believe strongly that if many ingredients are in place, including non-violent communication, healthy diet, and home schooling or unschooling–you are going to have a much easier time raising kids that are healthy on all levels with whom you have a loving, deep, fun relationship.

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