I have been told that there are not very many people who have shared about their experiences with raising children from the time they were in their womb with NVC.  Perhaps this experience that I have shared could be valuable for some. I hope so.

I never wanted to be a parent. I did not want the responsibility, and I saw no alternatives to the authoritarian manner that my parents and every other parent I observed. I did not want to be a boss to my children.

Through a kind of miraculous sequence of events, at the age of 35 I was pregnant with my first child, Christopher. I was blessed to have learned about NVC from my dear friend Corrinne. At the time I lived in Encinitas, California.  I took a class from a teacher who learned directly from Marshall. I don’t even remember the person who I first learned from.

When I learned this new language and consciousness, I was in ecstasy. It was kind of like when a Christian commits him or herself to Christ. I knew this was my path. It answered so many questions that I had. All I wanted to do was learn and practice.

I was also blessed to be able to take 2 intensive weekend workshops with Marshall, and have a personal meeting with him, because he liked my music that I shared with him on a tape called HAPPY TO BE ME.  I still have a picture of him holding my son, Christopher when he was a little baby.

I still remember how when Christopher would cry, I was able to communicate with him in a way that nurtured both he and I. I would say, “are you feeling hungry and do you want some milk? (I did breast feed, later it would be are you feeling hungry, and do you want some num num, his name for breast milk)  I had a difficult time being a mom who was used to being completely independent, and now was very much attached to this little guy who couldn’t be gone for long since I was breast feeding on demand.

I always tried to find win-win solutions to our problems, trying to get both of our needs met. Sometimes I gave up my needs because I could see that if I didn’t, I would have a child who had some major problems.  Like the time when I was working in a pre-school and the teacher said I had to pay attention to all the children equally, and not favor my child. My two year old didn’t understand and I chose to quit rather than put him through suffering.

I used the book HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK to kind of supplement my NVC skills. The bottom line was, though, that I would not boss him around, make demands, act like I was more in power.  He had a lot of needs. He hated the car seat. He didn’t want to stay with any one else but Cliff and I and one other caregiver. He wouldn’t go to preschool by himself. All the things that could help me be more independent. But I honored his needs, wanting to joyfully contribute to his well being. I felt better when I did that, then when I asserted my own needs over his.

I remember so many times that he would get really upset about something.  Probably a big part of it was because I wasn’t totally present with him because I still didn’t really want to be a parent—because of my loss of independence. But I listened to his needs empathically 99.99 percent of the time, and I saw that every time he had distress, he would move out of it into a space of peace. I felt so happy to see this, and I saw that he was caring towards me and cooperative often.

I remember one of the simplest ways I had to resolve conflicts when he was with other children was to simply say, “Uh oh, there is one toy, and two children—what are we going to do?” Simply stating the observation and making a request—encouraged them to try to find a solution. It was so beautiful.

As Christopher grew older, I saw how he was developing in a way that I was so happy with. I never forced him to share—but he shared. I didn’t force him to be “polite” but he was. I didn’t force him to be honest, but he always told the truth.

I continue to listen to him empathically now that he is a teenager. There was a time about 3 years ago when he was so skinny that a friend of mine wondered if he was anorexic. I had some long talks with him—and he was able to share and cry and open up.  By sharing my concerns using NVC and listening with empathy, he was able to have some emotional release which lead to a point where we could find some solutions.

Cliff, who is Cliff’s father, and I divorced when Chris was 1 year old. But we have been able to live close to each other all these years, and plan on building an eco-village, along with Robert, my husband, and Mahriyanna, our daughter. Using NVC, Cliff and I were able to and continue to be able to stay connected. I actually have more experiences using NVC with my daughter.

But my son, whom I love so dearly, is a shining example of how using NVC results in a person who is the following”

  1. Is around a variety of people, and does not give into peer pressure.
  2. Has great critical creative thinking skills.
  3. Can easily converse with adults
  4. Is kind and cooperative
  5. Stands up for his rights
  6. Is a wonderful big brother—protective and loving of his little sister of ten years old.
  7. People just love him for the way he is so loving, funny, and easy to be with. People are often telling me how much they appreciate him and his positive influence on their lives.
  8. He has a natural state of empathy and sensitiveness, especially being a boy.

9. He is very tolerant and loving of people’s differences.

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